It was a long week. Let's just leave it at that.
I'm tired. So very, very tired. Last night the kaschew didn't finally fall asleep until 11:30pm. I was in bed by midnight...and up by 5am. It's been this same nightly routine for weeks on end. Day. After day. After day...
I missed all the shooting stars this month, which is probably why my fairy godmother hasn't come down to grant my wish of having a relative take the boys for at least the weekend (Friday through Sunday night) so that I can recharge my batteries. I think if I could just have that, those 3 little days to take care of myself, I might just be able to climb back up my patience and sanity rope, the frayed ends of which I let slip from my fingers weeks ago. How does anyone expect a mother to be on ALL the time if she NEVER has any time to herself. I don't know how my mum did it. I wish she were here to tell me...or at least a phone call away. I'm quite lonely without her.
I know generally people always refer to having many things to do as wearing multiple hats, but I feel like I have a million faces to wear.
One for my boys.
One for my husband.
One for my mother-in-law.
One for her assistant.
One for my father-in-law.
One for my siblings-in-law.
One for my dad.
One for my sisters.
One for my customers.
One for my friends.
One for my hairdresser.
One for my son's school employees.
One for my chiro office.
One for my post.
One for my grocer.
One for my church family.
One for my...one for my...one for my...
I don't feel like I'm being dishonest, but giving my best self as each one needs it. It's different for each person. The problem is, as I think befalls all women, mums or not, that I've not had time to give a piece of my best self to perhaps the person who needs it most...me. As a result, I'm feeling fractured, fragmented and a bit like the world is spinning by me and I can't get a tight enough grip to hold on for the ride. The past couple weeks I've become sharp and irritated, and it's hit an apex. (And for all you male readers, no, it's not PMS. It's not even "that time" right now. Consider yourselves smacked for thinking it.)
I've tried to grab a few moments of refuge whenever they show the shadow of appearing. For a while I was lying down with my 3yr old for his nap on my bed. He'd snuggle up close and I would find shelter from the stresses of daily life in reading Anne Morrow Lindbergh's Gift from the Sea. It brought a peace that I haven't felt in a long, long time. But recently, I can't even stay awake to do that. I lie down for my son's nap and inevitably fall asleep before he does! My secondary, and equally lovely, solace has been my evening walks with my youngest. Although at first I found an evening walk EVERY evening a bit inconvenient (not to mention a bit scary when it's dark out!), I've found that it's given my soul a resting place as the day comes to a close. There's something soothing walking at what my husband constantly refers to as a snail's pace (often saying I'm walking so slowly I'm moving backwards), even in the heat of the evening, with the crickets chirping, the bullfrogs crooning, the ducks calling, even the 8,647,232 mosquitoes buzzing...with the interchanging song of a sucking thumb and babbling baby. Even with the mosquitoes chasing my O+ meal, I'm still compelled, each walk, to pause halfway around the lake...to listen to the ducks chatter, to watch the blue heron spread his enormous wings and float off over the shadow trees, to watch the last few strands of light slip down the horizon as the fingers of night inch upward from the east pulling a blanket of stars over this small corner of the world as we tuck our children and ourselves into bed.
I've always enjoyed sunsets, the fire that's lit on the western horizon as the sun moves to warm a new inch of earth. I love the golden sunsets that give big, fluffy clouds the look of gilded nuggets harvested from gold rich plots. I love the fiery red sunsets that make the sky look like the depths of a roaring furnace. I love the intense pink and purple sunsets that artists have passionately sought to capture for centuries. I love watching the daylight blue of the sky slowly change depth to the sleepy midnight blue of evening.
But what I love most is what has been there all along, that I've never noticed until tonight...the rainbow. If you've ever taken the time to really watch the sunset, you know what I'm talking about. It doesn't last for long, but it's there, every evening, every sunset. For a few short moments, before the sun drains the last few colors of the day from the sky, the rainbow is there in all its glory. Red on the horizon, followed northerly by orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, violet, all melting into that deep bedtime blue spattered with stars. It reminded me of Noah, how after all the tumult of his day, how when the boat finally came to rest and he looked out he saw the rainbow, God's promise. Is there a more perfect way to end your day than to be reminded of God's promise, despite rough seas or smooth sailing?
I highly recommend you put down all of your hats, all of your faces, whatever it is you juggle daily. Take the half hour for yourself. Watch the sunset. Be heartened.
No comments:
Post a Comment